Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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