i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
