Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
