he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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