i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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