the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
