Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
