remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dick very happy bro
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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