You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
