His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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