You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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