my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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