mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
