i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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