I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
