your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
