one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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