I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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