The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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