We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
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Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
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Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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