just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
