My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's blow job season.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
