two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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