I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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