We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
