I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Randomize
