So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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