Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
