I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
