i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
