I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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