the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
