are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He has the fingertips of a God
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
