I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
