Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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