i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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