I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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