Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
