Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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