youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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