Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
