I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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