On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
