just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
