Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
