I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
