I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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