John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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