He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
