my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my being single is dangerous.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
