Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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