maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
