Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
