I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
