She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
