PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
